Rollercoaster

What a rollercoaster of a weekend.

We had some new friends come over to hang out Saturday night, and it was good. Lots of beer, lots of great conversation...lots of connecting. I don't make friends often, being an introvert has that side effect, and besides, I don't feel like wasting my time on people I can't really connect with. It's so GOOD to find good people! Maybe I don't have a way with words, but I know what I know.

And I know that after they left, everything changed. I witnessed a falling out such as I never imagined was possible, between two people I thought would be close forever. I lay in bed, trying to sleep, listening to a conversation I didn't think these two people could have. So much pain, and bitterness, and cruelty, so much that I didn't even realize existed here, pouring out in a torrent of harsh words. Can I tell you something? I locked my bedroom door against the man I love that night. I didn't know where he was, but I knew he wasn't the man trying to get in. Deja vu, anyone?

We finally talked about it last night. It feels so good to be able to lay things to rest without the bitterness and drama I've grown used to with others. It's hard to see things change, especially for someone like me who, although I love adventure, thrives on familiarity. But, I've also had to learn that I can't stop change, and when it doesn't directly affect me, I have to let go and let it happen. Roll with the punches, as it were. Go with the flow. Give me a minute, I'll come up with another cliche. Just when I think I understand what it means to be married, to have that kind of commitment, something happens that threatens to shatter it, only to show me in the end that what I think of as commitment doesn't even scratch the surface. Do I have the strength to stay the course, no matter what? I think so. I don't want it any other way.

Slowly...going...insane...

My brain is fuzzy. I'm picking fights with my husband, who's wonderful enough to understand that I don't really mean it, I'm just lashing out from the slowly mounting stress of being. Doesn't make me feel much better, though. I'm so bored. I sleep half the day from a lack of anything better to do. School can't happen fast enough. Hell, a change of scenery can't happen fast enough. One full day of hiking, that's all I need. Recharge my batteries and do some mental spring cleaning. I know I keep talking about how much I want to leave Florida, but I can't help it, it's the biggest thing on my mind right now. The rest of my day-to-day life is overshadowed by the fact that I'm here. It's easier not to think.