More Tragedy

Cayla, my beautiful sweet black rat, passed away sometime last night. I went in to feed her and Briea before work today and found her still and cold by the cage door. I don't know what happened; she was fine when I saw her last, eating well, active, not putting out any warning signs that something like this was about to happen. I didn't want to take care of her alone, but Chris was already at work, so I had to. I put her in a cardboard box and buried her in the backyard with tears and a silent farewell. I will miss her terribly. She was the most adventurous little thing I'd ever seen. She figured out early on, and quite accidentally, that a 3-foot fall from the kitchen table to the floor wouldn't hurt her; from then on, she never wanted to stay put. She was smart, affectionate, playful and fearless...the dog was more scared of her than she was of him! I know Briea will miss her sister as well. I hope she can make it through this. I don't know if I can handle losing both of them at once. I will post a picture as soon as I get home to my own computer.

Favorite Quote #4

Perhaps to help frame my preceding thoughts, I give you a very few of the words which helped to define them:



Mike looked unhappy. "It was what I started out to do. I is not what I am trying to do now. Father, I know that you were disappointed in me when I started this."
"Your business, son."
"Yes. Self. I must grok each cusp myself alone. And so must you . . . and so must each self. Thou art God.'"
"I don't accept the nomination."
"You can't refuse it. Thou art God and I am God and all that groks is God, and I am all that I have ever been or seen or felt or experienced. I am all that I grok."

~Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger In A Strange Land

Personal Thoughts in the Aftermath

I just want to let everyone know that we are okay.

I have so many questions, and I don't know where to turn for answers. I see the world through many different dimensions; I'm even tempted, in my youth and possible ignorance, to presume I know things some people will never learn, no matter how long they exist in this time and space. Ideas about life and the nature of existence that only an open mind can contemplate. Fletcher has always said I underestimate myself, and I'm starting to think maybe he's right.
But am I "enlightened"? Absolutely not; I'm constantly frustrated by how much I don't understand. But, as they say, the wise man knows he knows nothing...so am I enlightened? How can you answer a question that answers itself?

Coelho calls it a Personal Legend, King calls it ka, Heinlein calls it grokking...call it destiny, fate, free will, or whatever, each of us will follow a path with a beginning and an end. I believe we each have a path that belongs to us only, and finding it is our life's happy destiny, our Personal Legend, our ka. So.....how do we find it? Does it call us, always beckoning, waiting only for us to hear? Or does it sit silent, calmly contemplating eternity, hardly noticing (if at all) when we stumble across? How do we choose the path we're destined for? How do we know?

I've lost my voice, it seems; my thoughts come out instead as words on a page. Every one that coalesces towards intelligible communication has a million half-formed and fleeting, yet no less important, behind it. Life has taken on a strange surreal quality as a result of what's happened here. The words are full yet slow in coming. I am patient.

I don't grieve for an individual victim; I grieve with the community and I weep at our strength and love and hope and my gratitude to be a part of it. I feel my resolve strengthen and my vision expand. I don't yet know what it is I'm looking for, or where my path will take me, but I believe now more than ever that I will know when I have found it.

I love you all.

I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been

It's raining outside. It's been raining steadily most of the day. Now it's interspersed with snow - big, fat white blobs that pelt out of the sky like wads of cotton candy. Now they fall faster, thirty seconds of blizzard; now they drop back. The temperature is dropping steadily. I stare out the window in a trance. Have I ever seen snow this strange, this lovely? I don't believe I have.

I've been accepted into Virginia Tech's College of Agriculture and Life Sciences, official as of a few days ago. My sense of achievement is somewhat overshadowed by more pressing financial issues, but I am nonetheless proud of achieving a goal I set out almost three years ago. I know this is a milestone, something I will look back on in later years and remember as a turning point, and so wait to grok in fullness.

Thoughts of the future weigh heavy upon me. Thoughts of the past, however, especially recently, are much lighter. Yesterday saw the second of two day hikes for the backpacking class I'm taking. It threatened rain, but none fell until after we were home. We went to Dragon's Tooth, a section of the AT near Roanoke, 5 miles up and back. It was foggy when we reached the top, but cleared enough soon after to reveal most of the next ridge and the valley below us. Kelly's Knob, where we'd liked the Saturday before, had been blanketed in 2 inches of snow, with more drifting down on us, rather heavily at the top. It was wonderful. Our "final" overnight hike will be in two weeks. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for good weather; I don't mind hiking in the rain and cold, but I'd rather not sleep in it, thank you!

And now I'm off again - presumably, to check in on old friends and new. So much time, and so little to do...wait, scratch that, reverse it...

:)